What Lies Ahead
by RazerPhoenix
Summary: "He can't put his finger on it, can't pinpoint the cause, but he knows that whatever it is that fills her thoughts is something dangerous, something related to them." Post Ep 5x22
1. Chapter 1

He sees how distracted she is through the rest of the night. Sure she goes through the gestures, smiles and moans at all the right times, but she's not really with him, not completely.

He tries to leave her be, let her process what's on her mind. He hopes that she'll come to him when she's ready. But as the night goes on, he grows concerned.

He can't put his finger on it, can't pinpoint the cause, but he knows that whatever it is that fills her thoughts is something dangerous, something related to them.

So when finds her sitting cross legged upon his bed staring absent-mindedly out his window, he tries to bring it up, to ask her what's wrong.

She doesn't even look at him as she deflects his question, brushes off his concern. Tells him it's nothing.

It hurts.

He thought that by know she was willing to open up to him, to come to him with any doubts or concerns she is having about their relationship. So to see her closed off like this does nothing to help soothe the overwhelming feeling of fear that is developing in his gut.

It's only later when they climb into bed, when for what may be the first time ever she fails to meet him in the middle that that fear transforms to full blown terror.

He tries to rewind his mind back, to replay the last few days in an attempt to find the trigger, what he could have done to cause this.

The incident with the game was not his finest moment, he can admit that.

He would never pick anything like that over sex with her. It's just sometimes he gets so intensely focused on what he is doing he has a habit of getting stuck in his own head, of tuning out the rest of the world. In these moments, he is known for making stupid decisions, for answering or acting without really grasping what is going on.

She knows this though. He knows she knows this. So while yes, she may be irritated, it would never had the led to this.

He very much doubts it's about his last supper thing either, but he still makes a note to hunt out his bucket list again to try and win back some favour.

Was it his jealousy? Did he really make her feel like he didn't trust her? He knows she would never betray him, not like his first ex-wife. He knows this without any shadow of a doubt, it just not who she is, it's not in her nature.

It was _him_ he didn't trust, how could he. He had been that guy, knew how _he_ operated. He knew the moves _he_ would try and pull.

While yes, it would have been nicer if she had explained the kiss immediately, he likes to think he still handled it pretty well considering. He must admit though, even though he never doubted her, it still filled him with joy to know she had pushed him away.

He realises he is getting nowhere, no closer to solving this mystery and simply working himself into a state.

He decides he will try bringing it up again in the morning, make a point of taking the time to sit her down on the couch and trying to have a real talk. No more subtext, no more subtle hints, it's time to sit down and have a real conversation, really talk about their issues.

When he wakes up in the morning, she's gone.


	2. Chapter 2

There isn't even a note, a missed call or a text. No notification. Nothing.

He can't decide whether he should be angry or hurt, he eventually settles on resentful.

It doesn't stop him from being concerned though, he sends a quick text to Esposito to confirm what he already suspects.

"Is Beckett at the precinct?"

"Yeah… what's going on?" the reply came.

He throws his phone aside with a humourless laugh and collapses onto the couch. He wishes he knew.

He really thought she was passed this now, the running from their issues, running from him.

He knows how this game works, he's played it before. He should run after her, fight for her, bring her back off whatever ledge she's found herself on.

He's tired though, so tired of fighting alone.

They are supposed to be partners, they should be fighting together, fighting for their future.

But she isn't here, and that hurts. It hurts because she is one of the strongest people he has ever met. She never gives up. She never backs down. She will always fight for what she thinks is right, fight for what she believes in.

So why isn't she here fighting for them?

How exactly have things got so messed up?

He really thought things had been going well recently, he had felt closer to her than ever before, that they were really opening up to each other.

Has she finally realised what he has always feared, that there isn't really much to him. That she could have so much better, that she deserved so much better.

Is that what this is, she has realised that she could be so much happier with someone else?

He knows these types of thoughts are toxic, that nothing good can ever come from thinking like that, but they are out now and before he knows it, he's spiralling out of control.

He thinks of the champagne glasses and how she would never drink on the job, would never compromise that, not ever. But _he_ had managed to convince her somehow?

And since when would Beckett ever let herself be kissed if she didn't on some level want it? She isn't stupid, she would know exactly what was going on, what _he_ was up to.

She said that they were talking about their relationship when _he_ kissed her.

What could they possibly have been talking about? What was an extraordinary homicide detective like her doing with an idiot writer like himself?

Whatever it was it couldn't have portrayed their relationship in any form of high regards if _he_ then immediately tried to kiss her could it?

You don't try to kiss a woman who has just said she is happy in a loving relationship do you.

He can feel the tears making their way down his face. That what this is isn't it.

She wants out. She's had enough. She's found something better.

She's trying to work out how to tell him.

He's still on that couch, tear tracks still fresh on face when she comes through the door a few hours later.


	3. Chapter 3

He quickly tries to scrub any evidence of his little breakdown from his face.

He knows it's pointless, that she's a detective, there's no way she won't miss the evidence. He can only imagine how he looks right now.

But he'll be damned if he actually gives her front row seats.

Whatever is about to happen, he's determined to face it with dignity. He'll breakdown again later if he needs too, but right here right now, he is determined to keep whatever remains left of his shattered pride intact.

He isn't going to beg, he isn't going to plead.

He's not.

He's just needs to keep telling himself that.

She's still standing just inside the door, she must be watching him, pitying him? Trying to build the courage to speak to him?

All he knows is the silence deafening.

Eventually he hears the gentle clacking of her heels against the hardwood floor as she crosses the distance towards the couch, her hesitance clearly audible in her steps.

As she lowers herself onto the couch beside him, he can't help but cast a quick glance.

She looks scared.

"I'm sorry"

She swallows.

"I'm sorry for disappearing on you, for being so distant last night…"

He has to fight the urge to reach out and comfort her, to tell her it's ok. It not and he's done placating her.

"I just… I'm scared Castle"

He jerks his head up at her words, his mouth hanging open,

"You're scared of me?"

"No, never Castle, you could never…" she rushes to answer him.

He exhales.

"Then what Kate?"

He watches as she collects herself, like she's struggling to find the words.

"I need to know this is going somewhere, this thing between us. That this… this isn't all it's ever going to be"

"That's… that's what you meant last night isn't it?" he asks as realization dawns on him.

"This is what's been bothering you the last few days?"

She nods her head.

"And you thought what, rather than come and talk to me about what you're feeling, it would be better to start shutting me out, make me feel like you I wasn't good enough for you anymore?"

She flinches away, caught off guard by his outburst, but the floodgates are open, he couldn't stop himself even if he wanted too.

"God, You let him kiss you Kate!"

She opens up her mouth ready to protest, to dispute his claims, but he cuts her off before she gets the chance.

"Don't … you knew exactly what was going on Kate, you could have prevented it if you wanted. I know you could have. But you didn't did you?"

She has the decency to look ashamed, no longer capable of meeting his gaze. Tears now making their way freely down her cheeks.

"I don't know what happened… he was asking me about our relationship if it was serious and I… I couldn't answer him… and suddenly he was going to kiss me, and your right, in that moment I did want it."

He expected that answer, knew it was coming, but it does nothing to lessen the hurt it causes, nothing to stop his heart from breaking.

He turns away, tries to stifle his own tears that are now threatening to fall.

She slides off the couch and kneels in front of him, gently clasping his hands between her own, whether she is trying to comfort him or just stop him from running, he isn't sure.

"But Rick, I promise you, the instant his lips touched mine I knew it was wrong, that he wasn't the man I wanted to be kissing me, he wasn't you Rick." She pleads, begging him to understand.

"I know that what we have is serious, I do, but I've been worried lately. Worried that what we have has… stalled somehow, and I don't want that Rick. I want to keep moving forward with you, I need this to be moving forward"

He doesn't miss the hurt and worry that flashes across her face as he removes her hands from his own, as he rise from the couch and steps around her on the floor.

He keeps his back to her as he speaks, his words drawn out, laced with sincerity.

"I wanted you to become my wife Kate, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, I wanted us to have kids together, start a family.

And you know, I thought we were almost at a point where we could actually talk about these things, start planning our future.

But I was waiting for you, waiting for you to show me you were ready for that. That I wouldn't scare you away. That you were as committed to this as I am"

She watches as he moves to walk away, before stopping, turning to face her one last time.

"I needed you to love me…"

He shakes his head and repeats the words, a whisper,

"I just needed you to love me"


End file.
